A Little Lecture I Never Want to Lose

Sometimes, a truly remarkable friend says something you just know you never want to forget. Here's one such gem now:

"Something that I don't think you see is the fact that [insert heartbreaker's name here] doesn't even know who you really are. Yes, I know that sounds weird, but it is true. Because if he had, he would stay. People run because they see something that obscures their perception of who the person is they thought they knew. They don't look for the whole picture any more; they just run. And because of it, they miss the best parts of a person. You don't want someone like that."

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Mood: Warm fuzzies inside

Quote:

Rory: "It wasn't a tackle. It was strictly hands."

Me: "Yes. Your hands on my body."

~~an argument over Rory fouling me during Ultimate Frisbee

Music: "And So It Goes," Billy Joel

For the Longest Time

Working for BYU Grounds crew doesn't present one with as many opportunities to meet new people as one might think. Yes, we're out and about on campus a lot, but we're not really interacting with "the customer" at all. So for the most part, my job allows me to stick to the few friends I've made on my own work crew without branching out too much. Between this and the fact that I'm not attending regular classes, I've met very few people outside my own housing complex in the last year. This isn't a state I lament being in. I'm not exactly a social butterfly, nor do I have the desire to become one.
...This isn't where I planned on going with this topic.
Anyway, today another coworker and I had the opportunity to clean and sharpen the tools we use in the tool room. Not at all a rigorous task, and by no means worth mentioning if not for one of the men I noticed also working in the tool room. So what makes him worth mentioning? The simple fact that I noticed him at all. He was cute. Very cute, I'd say. Tall. Red hair. I confess, I did a little inconspicuous staring.
Will I ever see this cute redhead again? Who knows? If I do, will I ever speak to him? Probably not. So why does it matter? Because it's been more than half a year since I looked at a guy and said to myself, "Hm... I don't know him. But I want to." Simple and insignificant? Perhaps. But I feel good about the notion that I may finally be taking steps forward I didn't even realize I was ready to take.


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Mood: Hopeful
Quote: "That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder," Calvin and Hobbes
Music: "For the Longest Time," Billy Joel

Nobody Gets Left Behind Or Forgotten

There's a scene in the movie Lilo and Stitch where Stitch and his new family are playing on the beach. He watches while Nani and David build this huge elaborate sandcastle around Lilo, and he obviously wants to be take part and feel doted on the way Lilo is. So he plops down and shovels a pile of sand onto his own legs in an imitation of the sandcastle they built for her. But after a few moments of sitting in the sand alone, he figures out that there's no point so he gets up and wanders away.

Sometimes I feel a little like Stitch. And by 'sometimes' I mean 'right now,' but it's a pretty frequent thing as of late anyway. And by 'a little' I mean 'a lot.' Except that with Stitch it's cute because he's blue and fluffy. And instead of a sandcastle it was more of a snow castle.

I'm kind of kicking myself for not moving out when I had the chance. The third floor just isn't far enough away for me not to notice that my nearest and dearest friends have replaced me and moved on.

Love Thyself

I've been pondering a lot lately on the importance of love for one's self. Once or twice I've heard it said that a man cannot love anyone else without first loving himself. Until recently, I hadn't given the idea much consideration. And now I think I've figured out why it is that self-love is so essential in the romantic equation.

We each live in our own world, totally subjective to our own personal perspective. We often don't realize that when we look at something, another witness, viewing the same thing at the same time, sees something totally different. That being said, a man who does not love himself cannot conceive of the notion that others see him in a very different light. He cannot internalize the idea that others may see someone worth loving.

A relationship is a bond between two people forged by the sharing of one's self with another. In a strong, close, loving relationship, one trusts pieces of one's self to one special other. Pieces that they do not let others near. One shares their good, their bad, their hopes and fears, their strengths, weaknesses, their beauty, and their ugliness. And they do so without reservations, but rather by trusting absolutely that those secret pieces of themself are safe and accepted.
A man who does not love himself has no hope that another can love him due to his faults. He hides his flaws away from those who would gladly accept his imperfections because they love his virtues more. He holds the world at arm's length, afraid that if any come too near, they'll see him as something less upon closer inspection.
It doesn't matter that those on the outside see him without prejudice - and not because they think he has no flaws. They know his past disappointments, but they also know his dreams of the future are beautiful. They're aware of his fears, but they also see that his ambitions are noble. They know he has failed at times, but they believe in him still. They know he is greater and more wonderful than he perceives. They know he is worth loving. And they do love him.
But because he does not love himself, he cannot be happy sharing what her perceives as an unworthy life with them. He cannot truly, deeply, and gladly give himself over and love another.
This most assuredly breaks the hearts of those who are left loving him, refusing to believe they love in vain. When love is unrequitted, the giver cannot long sustain happiness in caring for another. They endure because they know he is worth loving, but they love with a broken heart.

Furthermore, a man who has no love for himself sees the virtues in others and places them on a pedestal. He deludes himself into believing that those around him are higher, greater, more perfect than he is. And so, when he makes up his mind to let someone else in and tries to draw closer to them, he is left disappointed. He finds that the person he has come to know is imperfect, like himself. And since he can't forgive his own faults, he neither can accept another's.
He'll never find someone perfect enough for him to love in a way that can last against this kind of judgement. No one's that perfect. We all have vices.

It should, of course, be our desire to pursue a better way for ourselves. The Atonement exists so that we can improve ourselves and be a little more perfect. But we can't wait to obtain perfection before we find happiness in ourselves.
Please show yourself a little kindness. Forgive yourself. For your own sake and the sakes of those who care for you, give yourself a little love. If you reserve your love for only perfect people, you'll live a very lonely, self-loathing, loveless life. Learn to love imperfect people. Even, and most especially, yourself.


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Quote - "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly," Sam Keen
Music - "So Close," Enchanted
Mood - Healing is a two-steps-forward-one-giant-step-back kind of process

The Best Song On the Enchanted Sound Track

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Why, Thank You, Kind Sir

Today I'm just going to gibber about one of the nicest compliments I can remember having received.

You may recall that I spoke in my last post of my habit of casting away compliments aimed at me. If you cared to try it (which I don't recommend), you'd find it's a habit that comes remarkably easy.
It's not that a girl can't appreciate the effort when the guys she's acquainted with comment on her appearance or charm or what-have-you. But those things are easy enough to say and just as easy to disregard.
It's all well and good to hear: "You're pretty," "You're fun," "Nice hair," "You're cool," "You're sweet," and... yeah... whatever. Thanks.
Any such compliment coming from a gal's male friends can be taken with a grain of salt because, whether intentional or not, it seems to be laced with a hint of something that sounds like, "Someone else is going to think you're gorgeous and fall hopelessly in love," or "You're wonderful - for some other guy."

Compare that now with how it might feel to hear someone whose judgment you trust, and whose opinion you respect, saying, "I would consider you worth dating myself."

...D'you see the difference?

The latter may not even have to be intended as a compliment, but rather stated simply as an honest confession. But it shows her a degree of admiration that any of those other compliments could never hope to measure up to.

To the studly man honest enough and brave enough to give such a compliment, I say thank you. Most sincerely and delightedly.


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Quote - "The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between the lightning and a lightning bug," Mark Twain
Music - "Affirmation," Savage Garden
Mood - Beautiful

The Mouths of Babes

I'm in such a happy place, and I just have to let the world know it! Why am I happy? For a couple of reasons. I'll just prattle about a few of the bigger ones.

First of all, while I still have a lot of issues to sort through where my education's concerned, I've just made a decision that I feel very good about that is going to make my goals considerably simpler.
I chose Illustration as the program I'd pursue because I've spent my entire life creating characters and putting them on paper. I've gotten fairly good at it, if I may say so. And I agree with the idea that you should make the thing you love to do most your life's work.
I wouldn't call drawing the thing I love doing most of all. It's one of several talents and interests I've developed to the point of feeling skilled. I don't have any one thing I love doing most - except perhaps playing with children. Acting, writing, baking, history, photography, heck - even romping around in the woods can be made into a profession. My point - there are a number of things I could do with my education and career that I could enjoy just as much as illustration.
So I've taken a step back and examined the option I'd decided on, and have become very keenly aware of how difficult even being accepted into this program is. (Less than a third of the applicants make it in - and then they have to continually re-apply, competing with in-coming talent all over again.) I won't even know if I can get into it for another half a year at least. And on top of that, I'm not sure what I'd do career-wise with a BFA in Illustration once I've graduated. That's a lot of extra effort for something I don't have my heart absolutely set on, and I've got plenty of other hoops (fiery ones) to jump through where my education's concerned besides.
So let's look at some of the other options I mentioned above.
Children - becoming a mother will take care of that one. But that still leaves me in need to a career path to follow.
Acting - there's another uber-competitive program intended only for those die-hards who are truly devoted to it mind, body, and soul. I am more devoted to some other goals than I could be to that particular career option (see the children bit above).
Writing - while I have every intention of someday writing a novel (or three), I do not ever wish to be an English major. All they do is write papers. And that's the stuff of my nightmares.
Baking - I figure I bake enough birthday cakes and donuts for my friends as it is that I'm not really hurting for time in the kitchen. And BYU doesn't have a culinary arts program anyway.
Photography - another hobby I really enjoy. Traveling as a wildlife photographer could be amazing... but could also get lonely, I think. Plus, the Photography program is also one of those that requires acceptance and continual high levels of competition.
History - Hmm... Here's a subject I've always enjoyed and done well in. I don't have to wait half a year for someone else to tell me I'm good enough for it. It's a fairly low number of credits, which means I can branch out a bit with a minor - or maybe even two if I get really ambitious. (Or better yet - I could just graduate before my kids do...)
I've also found a minor to go along with it - Anthropology offers some interesting classes that delve into fun things like mythology, cultures, and even some archeology (Now that's fun! ^.^).
But what would I do with a bachelor's in History once I'm out in the real world? Hm... Perhaps nothing. But it's a great stepping block up to a master's in Library Sciences. I really can't imagine a job that could make me happier than reading books for a living, so if I did have to choose one thing to be my dream job, I guess 'librarian' wins. ^_________^()
So that's it. I have a goal. One that won't be such a headache to make a reality. I'm changing my major to History and working toward a minor in Anthropology. I feel very, very good about this decision.

What else makes me happy? I have a list of goals I'd like to accomplish in my lifetime in order to make myself a better person. (I think most of us have such a list.) One of the vaguer goals on that list is to overcome my dislike for something I have an aversion to. I've thought of the perfect something. It's actually something I enjoyed as a kid, but it was unfortunately spoiled for me by sour teachers in my teenage years. Science. This is a shocker for some of you, I know. However, it's not all-encompassing. I doubt any miracle on this green planet could convince me to enjoy that demonic subject known as biology. But I can recall a time (before high school bio) when I was at the very top of my science class. Mrs. Waggy was my all-time favorite teacher. (Guess which subject she taught.) She had to ask me to stop participating in class because I was making my classmates lazy. Her classes consisted mainly of things like dinosaurs, volcanoes, plate tectonics, rocks - geology. I loved it. I'd forgotten that there were branches of science other than biology, and I'm afraid I've learned to shy away from anything labeled 'SCIENCE' with a disgusted disposition because of that one bad egg. And now I have every intention of fixing that. I'm so excited to be able to take classes again! I've got this all-new zeal for learning, and I'm itching to make it happen!

I'm also happy because I've been developing some new skills.
1- I've baked two (soon to be three) cakes in the last month, and have been absolutely satisfied with the end results - no easy task for an artistic perfectionist-type with the world's greatest cake decorator for a grandmother to set the standard.
2- Two or three months ago, I started playing Ultimate Frisbee once a week with some friends in my ward. I went because those friends pressured me into it. Not because I really wanted to be there. And it showed. I lacked sufficient confidence to do anything but freak out and cry for help as I dropped any projectile that flew in my direction.
But now... I CAN CATCH THE THING! And not just when the passes are easy. The fear's totally gone. Tonight, I played so well that I can honestly consider myself one of the better players we had on the field. I'm enjoying it, and I feel valuable to the people I'm playing with. It's one heckuva confidence booster. ^__________^ I'm being useful at the same time that I'm getting more physically fit!

I am happy because of the honesty one receives and shares with their real friends.

And why else am I happy? Because I've made up my mind to be.
I've been more than a little self-critical lately. I've made a bad habit of brushing off compliments from others with self-directed insults. While I was talking to my baby sister Keira on the phone yesterday, I got blind-sided with a compliment I couldn't just ignore, though. I'm not even sure why she said it; I can't remember what came before it. She just said very simply, "You're so pretty. You're prettier than me." And it absolutely floored me. This beautiful, perfect little cherub-child with those big blue eyes, dimples, and gorgeous golden curls that are nearly as long as she is tall thinks -I'm- prettier than -she- is? After she said it, I tried to deny it, but I couldn't. How can you argue over something like that with a 4-year-old? You can't because you can't teach her how to look down on herself, and she learns everything by example. And she can't lie about something like that. She's too young to think of sparing someone's feelings with sugar-coated half-truths. She tells it exactly the way she sees it.
So I've decided that I can't continue to criticize myself as I have. I can't think negatively about my appearance or weight or any of that. I've decided that it's time I start taking those compliments to heart and looking for the good things other people seem to see when they look at me.

I have a lot of reasons to be grateful right now. And I can't think of one good reason not to be because I don't want to. I'm happy and I'm choosing to stay that way.


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Quote - "To wish you were somebody else is to waste the person you are," Unknown
Music - "The Curse" and "The Melody Within," Rigoletto
Mood - Happy