Love Thyself

I've been pondering a lot lately on the importance of love for one's self. Once or twice I've heard it said that a man cannot love anyone else without first loving himself. Until recently, I hadn't given the idea much consideration. And now I think I've figured out why it is that self-love is so essential in the romantic equation.

We each live in our own world, totally subjective to our own personal perspective. We often don't realize that when we look at something, another witness, viewing the same thing at the same time, sees something totally different. That being said, a man who does not love himself cannot conceive of the notion that others see him in a very different light. He cannot internalize the idea that others may see someone worth loving.

A relationship is a bond between two people forged by the sharing of one's self with another. In a strong, close, loving relationship, one trusts pieces of one's self to one special other. Pieces that they do not let others near. One shares their good, their bad, their hopes and fears, their strengths, weaknesses, their beauty, and their ugliness. And they do so without reservations, but rather by trusting absolutely that those secret pieces of themself are safe and accepted.
A man who does not love himself has no hope that another can love him due to his faults. He hides his flaws away from those who would gladly accept his imperfections because they love his virtues more. He holds the world at arm's length, afraid that if any come too near, they'll see him as something less upon closer inspection.
It doesn't matter that those on the outside see him without prejudice - and not because they think he has no flaws. They know his past disappointments, but they also know his dreams of the future are beautiful. They're aware of his fears, but they also see that his ambitions are noble. They know he has failed at times, but they believe in him still. They know he is greater and more wonderful than he perceives. They know he is worth loving. And they do love him.
But because he does not love himself, he cannot be happy sharing what her perceives as an unworthy life with them. He cannot truly, deeply, and gladly give himself over and love another.
This most assuredly breaks the hearts of those who are left loving him, refusing to believe they love in vain. When love is unrequitted, the giver cannot long sustain happiness in caring for another. They endure because they know he is worth loving, but they love with a broken heart.

Furthermore, a man who has no love for himself sees the virtues in others and places them on a pedestal. He deludes himself into believing that those around him are higher, greater, more perfect than he is. And so, when he makes up his mind to let someone else in and tries to draw closer to them, he is left disappointed. He finds that the person he has come to know is imperfect, like himself. And since he can't forgive his own faults, he neither can accept another's.
He'll never find someone perfect enough for him to love in a way that can last against this kind of judgement. No one's that perfect. We all have vices.

It should, of course, be our desire to pursue a better way for ourselves. The Atonement exists so that we can improve ourselves and be a little more perfect. But we can't wait to obtain perfection before we find happiness in ourselves.
Please show yourself a little kindness. Forgive yourself. For your own sake and the sakes of those who care for you, give yourself a little love. If you reserve your love for only perfect people, you'll live a very lonely, self-loathing, loveless life. Learn to love imperfect people. Even, and most especially, yourself.


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Quote - "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly," Sam Keen
Music - "So Close," Enchanted
Mood - Healing is a two-steps-forward-one-giant-step-back kind of process

The Best Song On the Enchanted Sound Track

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Why, Thank You, Kind Sir

Today I'm just going to gibber about one of the nicest compliments I can remember having received.

You may recall that I spoke in my last post of my habit of casting away compliments aimed at me. If you cared to try it (which I don't recommend), you'd find it's a habit that comes remarkably easy.
It's not that a girl can't appreciate the effort when the guys she's acquainted with comment on her appearance or charm or what-have-you. But those things are easy enough to say and just as easy to disregard.
It's all well and good to hear: "You're pretty," "You're fun," "Nice hair," "You're cool," "You're sweet," and... yeah... whatever. Thanks.
Any such compliment coming from a gal's male friends can be taken with a grain of salt because, whether intentional or not, it seems to be laced with a hint of something that sounds like, "Someone else is going to think you're gorgeous and fall hopelessly in love," or "You're wonderful - for some other guy."

Compare that now with how it might feel to hear someone whose judgment you trust, and whose opinion you respect, saying, "I would consider you worth dating myself."

...D'you see the difference?

The latter may not even have to be intended as a compliment, but rather stated simply as an honest confession. But it shows her a degree of admiration that any of those other compliments could never hope to measure up to.

To the studly man honest enough and brave enough to give such a compliment, I say thank you. Most sincerely and delightedly.


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Quote - "The difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between the lightning and a lightning bug," Mark Twain
Music - "Affirmation," Savage Garden
Mood - Beautiful

The Mouths of Babes

I'm in such a happy place, and I just have to let the world know it! Why am I happy? For a couple of reasons. I'll just prattle about a few of the bigger ones.

First of all, while I still have a lot of issues to sort through where my education's concerned, I've just made a decision that I feel very good about that is going to make my goals considerably simpler.
I chose Illustration as the program I'd pursue because I've spent my entire life creating characters and putting them on paper. I've gotten fairly good at it, if I may say so. And I agree with the idea that you should make the thing you love to do most your life's work.
I wouldn't call drawing the thing I love doing most of all. It's one of several talents and interests I've developed to the point of feeling skilled. I don't have any one thing I love doing most - except perhaps playing with children. Acting, writing, baking, history, photography, heck - even romping around in the woods can be made into a profession. My point - there are a number of things I could do with my education and career that I could enjoy just as much as illustration.
So I've taken a step back and examined the option I'd decided on, and have become very keenly aware of how difficult even being accepted into this program is. (Less than a third of the applicants make it in - and then they have to continually re-apply, competing with in-coming talent all over again.) I won't even know if I can get into it for another half a year at least. And on top of that, I'm not sure what I'd do career-wise with a BFA in Illustration once I've graduated. That's a lot of extra effort for something I don't have my heart absolutely set on, and I've got plenty of other hoops (fiery ones) to jump through where my education's concerned besides.
So let's look at some of the other options I mentioned above.
Children - becoming a mother will take care of that one. But that still leaves me in need to a career path to follow.
Acting - there's another uber-competitive program intended only for those die-hards who are truly devoted to it mind, body, and soul. I am more devoted to some other goals than I could be to that particular career option (see the children bit above).
Writing - while I have every intention of someday writing a novel (or three), I do not ever wish to be an English major. All they do is write papers. And that's the stuff of my nightmares.
Baking - I figure I bake enough birthday cakes and donuts for my friends as it is that I'm not really hurting for time in the kitchen. And BYU doesn't have a culinary arts program anyway.
Photography - another hobby I really enjoy. Traveling as a wildlife photographer could be amazing... but could also get lonely, I think. Plus, the Photography program is also one of those that requires acceptance and continual high levels of competition.
History - Hmm... Here's a subject I've always enjoyed and done well in. I don't have to wait half a year for someone else to tell me I'm good enough for it. It's a fairly low number of credits, which means I can branch out a bit with a minor - or maybe even two if I get really ambitious. (Or better yet - I could just graduate before my kids do...)
I've also found a minor to go along with it - Anthropology offers some interesting classes that delve into fun things like mythology, cultures, and even some archeology (Now that's fun! ^.^).
But what would I do with a bachelor's in History once I'm out in the real world? Hm... Perhaps nothing. But it's a great stepping block up to a master's in Library Sciences. I really can't imagine a job that could make me happier than reading books for a living, so if I did have to choose one thing to be my dream job, I guess 'librarian' wins. ^_________^()
So that's it. I have a goal. One that won't be such a headache to make a reality. I'm changing my major to History and working toward a minor in Anthropology. I feel very, very good about this decision.

What else makes me happy? I have a list of goals I'd like to accomplish in my lifetime in order to make myself a better person. (I think most of us have such a list.) One of the vaguer goals on that list is to overcome my dislike for something I have an aversion to. I've thought of the perfect something. It's actually something I enjoyed as a kid, but it was unfortunately spoiled for me by sour teachers in my teenage years. Science. This is a shocker for some of you, I know. However, it's not all-encompassing. I doubt any miracle on this green planet could convince me to enjoy that demonic subject known as biology. But I can recall a time (before high school bio) when I was at the very top of my science class. Mrs. Waggy was my all-time favorite teacher. (Guess which subject she taught.) She had to ask me to stop participating in class because I was making my classmates lazy. Her classes consisted mainly of things like dinosaurs, volcanoes, plate tectonics, rocks - geology. I loved it. I'd forgotten that there were branches of science other than biology, and I'm afraid I've learned to shy away from anything labeled 'SCIENCE' with a disgusted disposition because of that one bad egg. And now I have every intention of fixing that. I'm so excited to be able to take classes again! I've got this all-new zeal for learning, and I'm itching to make it happen!

I'm also happy because I've been developing some new skills.
1- I've baked two (soon to be three) cakes in the last month, and have been absolutely satisfied with the end results - no easy task for an artistic perfectionist-type with the world's greatest cake decorator for a grandmother to set the standard.
2- Two or three months ago, I started playing Ultimate Frisbee once a week with some friends in my ward. I went because those friends pressured me into it. Not because I really wanted to be there. And it showed. I lacked sufficient confidence to do anything but freak out and cry for help as I dropped any projectile that flew in my direction.
But now... I CAN CATCH THE THING! And not just when the passes are easy. The fear's totally gone. Tonight, I played so well that I can honestly consider myself one of the better players we had on the field. I'm enjoying it, and I feel valuable to the people I'm playing with. It's one heckuva confidence booster. ^__________^ I'm being useful at the same time that I'm getting more physically fit!

I am happy because of the honesty one receives and shares with their real friends.

And why else am I happy? Because I've made up my mind to be.
I've been more than a little self-critical lately. I've made a bad habit of brushing off compliments from others with self-directed insults. While I was talking to my baby sister Keira on the phone yesterday, I got blind-sided with a compliment I couldn't just ignore, though. I'm not even sure why she said it; I can't remember what came before it. She just said very simply, "You're so pretty. You're prettier than me." And it absolutely floored me. This beautiful, perfect little cherub-child with those big blue eyes, dimples, and gorgeous golden curls that are nearly as long as she is tall thinks -I'm- prettier than -she- is? After she said it, I tried to deny it, but I couldn't. How can you argue over something like that with a 4-year-old? You can't because you can't teach her how to look down on herself, and she learns everything by example. And she can't lie about something like that. She's too young to think of sparing someone's feelings with sugar-coated half-truths. She tells it exactly the way she sees it.
So I've decided that I can't continue to criticize myself as I have. I can't think negatively about my appearance or weight or any of that. I've decided that it's time I start taking those compliments to heart and looking for the good things other people seem to see when they look at me.

I have a lot of reasons to be grateful right now. And I can't think of one good reason not to be because I don't want to. I'm happy and I'm choosing to stay that way.


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Quote - "To wish you were somebody else is to waste the person you are," Unknown
Music - "The Curse" and "The Melody Within," Rigoletto
Mood - Happy

Sink Me!

"They seek him here,
They seek him there.
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in heaven?
Or is he in... hell? *gasp*
That damned, elusive pimpernel."

Hold the phones. All the plans have just changed. It's official: I am going to marry the Scarlet Pimpernel.

It's a slightly embarrassing fact that I've had a pseudo-secretive love for historical romance novels for years. Yes, they're cliche, and yes, they're unrealistic, and yes, they're everything else you've ever heard about them... And yes, I love 'em for it. >.<() Whaddya know? Turns out I'm a sappy romantic girl after all...

Sir Percy: "The only power that I can see at present, mademoiselle, is the power of your beauty."
Marguerite: "Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Sir Percy."
Sir Percy: "This beholder is enchanted."

SQUEEEEEEEEE! XD

I watched the Scarlet Pimpernel for the first time today, and it carried me away to a world where men are noble and hold themselves to codes of honor and dignity. Women don't have to play tough and aren't pleasantly surprised when a man treats her with the good manners one shows a lady because chivalry is already expected. It's a world wherein people aren't afraid to make their romantic intentions toward each other known and they act upon their emotions, rather than hiding them out of fear of another's rejection. It's the kind of world where men like Sir Percy Blakeney, Bart. are allowed to exist.

Marguerite: "I don't know whether you're mad, or..."
Sir Percy: "Desperately in love? 'Tis all the same. Tell me, if you can, that you do not feel it, too."

There's a line in the movie where Marguerite describes the sort of man she wanted - "...the sort of man a woman can look up to. That she could turn to in trouble." At a glance, it seems so often that these romances set in older times portray women as needy and incapable of handling their own lives without the assistance of the dashing rogue that suddenly enters their world. They're dependent on the men around them in a totally patriarchal society. It's a veritable plethora of fuel for the feminists of the world.
For me, the idea of a woman relying on a man isn't about lacking self-sufficiency or independence at all. It's about having someone you have enough faith in to trust to be both capable and caring enough to look after your best interests. There's absolutely nothing wrong with turning to someone else for guidance and support when you're certain that they love you too much to have any priorities above your happiness and well-being. That's why I want so badly to find a man who absolutely adores me. I'm a pretty passionate person, and I throw myself whole-heartedly into my relationships - and not just the romantic ones. I give everything I have to the people I'm close to. And I've burned myself out my fair share of times because I've given more of myself to those I care about than I've received in turn. Therefore, it's crucial to me to find someone who can adore me and share as much of himself with me as I'll give to him. That's someone I would trust explicitly to take care of me. Not because I need it. But because I want to place that trust in him and can.

Sir Percy: "What has poor Armand done to be condemned to matrimony?"

There's so much more I'd love to go on about - from Sir Percy's quick wit to his smug grin to his dashing heroics. But alas, it's 6 am, I've been freezing outside in the rain for hours because I can't get an internet connection inside my apartment, and my computer's battery is about to give up the ghost. So this is where the circumstances dictate that I bring this half-baked drivel to a close.


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Quote - "You must tell me all about yourself, in every detail, but oh, so slowly, so very slowly, so that it takes a very, very long time," Sir Percy Blakeney, Bart.
Music - "Dreams to Dream," Linda Rondstadt
Mood - In love with love

Joyeux Anniversaire!

I am so ridiculously happy! I've just had the most amazing birthday I can ever remember. And I can't stress that enough. Of course, most years, my birthday just kind of passes like any other day of the year. I have cake with my immediate family, but there's not much more to it than that. ...But not this year!

I went to class this morning expecting to make up a test I'd missed (due to adding the class late). We did our mile-and-a-half run, then I asked the coach if I had to take the test on my birthday - just to be cute. And he said no. There's another girl in the class who needs to take it, so I can just take it next week when she does. Score!

On my way home, I stopped by DI to look for a dress I'd seen last week and decided against, then regretted afterward. And I found it! The world was so nice to me yesterday. ...Even though it was cold and rainy and I got a brain freeze driving home on Zoey. ^___^()

So I came home, found a fun candy bar card and balloons taped to the door by the roomies, took a hot shower, and dolled myself up because I had a new skirt I wanted to wear, and by-dangit, I'm allowed to feel beautiful on my birthday! And I did.
I called home and was greeted with the darling sound of Keira singing Happy Birthday to me, and I laughed myself silly while I listened to Mom trying to wrestle the shaving cream from her in the background. XD

Even though I promised myself I wouldn't prepare any food all day (because I've done nothing -but- cook all week), I put another layer of glaze on the donuts, touched up my cake, and then it was time for the party.
This is the part where I just have to state how wonderful my friends are. THEY'RE AMAZING!
We held the party in MAN205, and the boys made it so stinking awesome. We had streamers and sugar and presents! The sugar I'd expected because I made most of it. The presents I didn't really expect. After all, my friends are poor starving college students too. Autumn gave me enough flour and sugar to feed my boys for... well... a while. Haha. Hyrum and Steve got me a spiffy tapestry, a Captain Planet t-shirt, and best of all, the Best of Bowie! XD I kind of awkward-hug-attacked them over it. Heheh... ^.^()

Also, I've never heard the Happy Birthday song sung the way it was - nor will I ever hear that exact sound again. We had a room full of RM's, and they all sang in their own mission tongues at once. I couldn't stop laughing through it. Then I blew out every one of my twenty polka-dotted candles in one puff, and no I will not tell you what I wished for. In fact, I almost -didn't- make a wish. Hope I didn't think of it too late. For some reason, I almost always forget that part every year...
I was uber-pleased with the way my cake turned out. I'm right proud of it, I am. I'm excited for MomMom's cake to arrive too. I have the most amazing grandma. I don't know anyone else lucky enough to get a grandma who will ship them a birthday cake from 2,000 miles away.

So after the consumption of massive amounts of sugar, the die-hards accompanied me to Classic Skating for the most outstanding part of the night. Nevermind the scuzzy little preteens that were all over the floor, it was amazing. Hyrum kept requesting our favorite 80's rock numbers, and we air banded it up to songs those little skeezes were too young and uncultered to know or appreciate. Haha! XD We played tag around the rink, belted it out with Bon Jovi, Journey, and Billy Idol, danced it up with ourselves, and showed off our mad sk8R skillz. Hyrum and Steve made sure I had at least one guy to hold hands with during each of the slow songs, Korrie kept me giggling all night, we had a good laugh over Andrew getting hit on by a high schooler, and of course, the other guys were a blast. I didn't fall once (thought not for lack of trying on mine and Steve's part), and I have no blisters on my feet - pretty incredible, I must say. We topped the night off with a rousing chorus of God Bless the USA, then drove home to the soothing sound of Bowie at his best.

It was the perfect climax to a perfect day. I'm so grateful for the friends that made my birthday such a wonderful day for me. Extra cudos to Hyrum for prodding me into making the party plans (which I wouldn't have done without the encouragement) - then being patient as I changed my mind about them over and over, and to Steve for keeping me company through large chunks of the baking preparations I've been involved with all week. They spoil me, and I absolutely adore them for it.

I'm so lucky and so blessed. AND I'M TWENTY!!!!!!! XD


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Quote - "The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters," Thomas Jefferson
Music - "The Final Countdown," Europe
Mood - Jubilant

The Peppermint Twist

I've been very domestic today. I made dinner for myself and the men of Man-205, which consisted of my first non-cheating lasagna and garlic bread. The general consensus is that it turned out splendidly, and I was most happy.
After we ate, I got to work on a recipe I've been craving for some time: Great-Grandma Evelyn's fried, glazed donuts. In the end, I walked away with only one mention-worthy grease burn and had a table covered with glazy, donuty, gooey goodness that my friends seemed to be enjoying whole-heartedly.

This is something that makes my heart very happy. I enjoy cooking because it makes me feel productive. I enjoy sharing food with people because it feels like worth-while service. I enjoy succeeding in my efforts to make -good- food because it makes me feel like part of a legacy.
I come from a family of food-oriented people.

My Great-Grandma Evelyn died when I was 2, so I don't remember anything about her. But I've grown up with references to her skills in the kitchen (and skills with pet skunks, but that's another story). Her recipes were one of the most coveted things left when she passed away, and my mom was lucky enough to get them.

My mom's mother is well-known all over our county and the surrounding areas for her cakes. She bakes and sells them from her home to just about everyone. I don't think I've ever known her kitchen without cake projects in progress on the table and colored icings beckoning my fingers.

My dad's mother has always been a homemaker who specializes in making every meal a feast. It's down-home country cooking at it's absolute stick-to-your-ribs finest.

My Uncle Dwayne runs his own professional catering service called Puttin' On the Ritz. I've been catering for most of my life.

When I was a kid, my mom owned and operated a small restaurant/ice cream parlor called the Peppermint Twist. It was a cute little place, painted red and white all over. The food was amazing. It was generally considered the best place to eat for miles and miles around. (And that's saying something, especially if you've had one of Eugene's sandwiches - which I'm assuming most of you haven't... Anyway - they're legendary.)

They're all food people. It makes me want to be a food person. Someone knows what they're doing, who can make food that really impresses other people. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. And I'm content (as long as my friends are willing to let me fatten them up) to keep on working on it.

I've had a lot of dreams I'd love to see fulfilled someday - operating my own library, a house with my own murals painted on the walls, belting it out on Broadway, publishing my own stories... A lot of things that would leave my own personal stamp for others to see and appreciate.

One dream I've loved entertaining is that someday I could resurrect the Peppermint Twist. I'd change it up a bit to suit my own style - I like the idea of running a bakery/ice cream parlor better than a real restaurant. It'd be my own, but in a lot of ways, it would also be a tribute to the people I came from. I could bake and decorate cakes like my grandma's, make Evelyn's donut and potato rolls recipes, mom's dessert creations from the original Peppermint Twist, and so many others.
I could design the whole shop with my own artistic touches. I can see a corner with soft couches where people can just chill out with a book, and my own little blonde-headed kids marching in after school, dumping their backpacks in a booth, and snatching a cone with their favorite flavor of ice cream (exactly like I used to do every day in my mom's shop).

I've had a lot of fun with this dream. It became especially fun when I shared it with my friend Calli a while back, and she expanded it to include a little dreaming and scheming of her own. It's exactly the sort of place she'd love to come and sit for hours, writing her would-be best-selling novels. She and I have also entertained the idea of running a book shop, so we decided that once her stories became famous, we should make this a two-part business: I'll run the production of sugary treats, and she'll sell the books.

Anyway - there's a lot more I'd like to say, but it's way too late for me to justify still being awake. That's all for now, folks.


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Quote - "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers," Anonymous
Music - "November Rain," Guns N' Roses
Mood - Useful