I've been pondering a lot lately on the importance of love for one's self. Once or twice I've heard it said that a man cannot love anyone else without first loving himself. Until recently, I hadn't given the idea much consideration. And now I think I've figured out why it is that self-love is so essential in the romantic equation.
We each live in our own world, totally subjective to our own personal perspective. We often don't realize that when we look at something, another witness, viewing the same thing at the same time, sees something totally different. That being said, a man who does not love himself cannot conceive of the notion that others see him in a very different light. He cannot internalize the idea that others may see someone worth loving.
A relationship is a bond between two people forged by the sharing of one's self with another. In a strong, close, loving relationship, one trusts pieces of one's self to one special other. Pieces that they do not let others near. One shares their good, their bad, their hopes and fears, their strengths, weaknesses, their beauty, and their ugliness. And they do so without reservations, but rather by trusting absolutely that those secret pieces of themself are safe and accepted.
A man who does not love himself has no hope that another can love him due to his faults. He hides his flaws away from those who would gladly accept his imperfections because they love his virtues more. He holds the world at arm's length, afraid that if any come too near, they'll see him as something less upon closer inspection.
It doesn't matter that those on the outside see him without prejudice - and not because they think he has no flaws. They know his past disappointments, but they also know his dreams of the future are beautiful. They're aware of his fears, but they also see that his ambitions are noble. They know he has failed at times, but they believe in him still. They know he is greater and more wonderful than he perceives. They know he is worth loving. And they do love him.
But because he does not love himself, he cannot be happy sharing what her perceives as an unworthy life with them. He cannot truly, deeply, and gladly give himself over and love another.
This most assuredly breaks the hearts of those who are left loving him, refusing to believe they love in vain. When love is unrequitted, the giver cannot long sustain happiness in caring for another. They endure because they know he is worth loving, but they love with a broken heart.
Furthermore, a man who has no love for himself sees the virtues in others and places them on a pedestal. He deludes himself into believing that those around him are higher, greater, more perfect than he is. And so, when he makes up his mind to let someone else in and tries to draw closer to them, he is left disappointed. He finds that the person he has come to know is imperfect, like himself. And since he can't forgive his own faults, he neither can accept another's.
He'll never find someone perfect enough for him to love in a way that can last against this kind of judgement. No one's that perfect. We all have vices.
It should, of course, be our desire to pursue a better way for ourselves. The Atonement exists so that we can improve ourselves and be a little more perfect. But we can't wait to obtain perfection before we find happiness in ourselves.
Please show yourself a little kindness. Forgive yourself. For your own sake and the sakes of those who care for you, give yourself a little love. If you reserve your love for only perfect people, you'll live a very lonely, self-loathing, loveless life. Learn to love imperfect people. Even, and most especially, yourself.
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Quote - "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly," Sam Keen
Music - "So Close," Enchanted
Mood - Healing is a two-steps-forward-one-giant-step-back kind of process
Gas Station Friends
2 years ago
