I'm in such a happy place, and I just have to let the world know it! Why am I happy? For a couple of reasons. I'll just prattle about a few of the bigger ones.
First of all, while I still have a lot of issues to sort through where my education's concerned, I've just made a decision that I feel very good about that is going to make my goals considerably simpler.
I chose Illustration as the program I'd pursue because I've spent my entire life creating characters and putting them on paper. I've gotten fairly good at it, if I may say so. And I agree with the idea that you should make the thing you love to do most your life's work.
I wouldn't call drawing the thing I love doing most of all. It's one of several talents and interests I've developed to the point of feeling skilled. I don't have any one thing I love doing most - except perhaps playing with children. Acting, writing, baking, history, photography, heck - even romping around in the woods can be made into a profession. My point - there are a number of things I could do with my education and career that I could enjoy just as much as illustration.
So I've taken a step back and examined the option I'd decided on, and have become very keenly aware of how difficult even being accepted into this program is. (Less than a third of the applicants make it in - and then they have to continually re-apply, competing with in-coming talent all over again.) I won't even know if I can get into it for another half a year at least. And on top of that, I'm not sure what I'd do career-wise with a BFA in Illustration once I've graduated. That's a lot of extra effort for something I don't have my heart absolutely set on, and I've got plenty of other hoops (fiery ones) to jump through where my education's concerned besides.
So let's look at some of the other options I mentioned above.
Children - becoming a mother will take care of that one. But that still leaves me in need to a career path to follow.
Acting - there's another uber-competitive program intended only for those die-hards who are truly devoted to it mind, body, and soul. I am more devoted to some other goals than I could be to that particular career option (see the children bit above).
Writing - while I have every intention of someday writing a novel (or three), I do not ever wish to be an English major. All they do is write papers. And that's the stuff of my nightmares.
Baking - I figure I bake enough birthday cakes and donuts for my friends as it is that I'm not really hurting for time in the kitchen. And BYU doesn't have a culinary arts program anyway.
Photography - another hobby I really enjoy. Traveling as a wildlife photographer could be amazing... but could also get lonely, I think. Plus, the Photography program is also one of those that requires acceptance and continual high levels of competition.
History - Hmm... Here's a subject I've always enjoyed and done well in. I don't have to wait half a year for someone else to tell me I'm good enough for it. It's a fairly low number of credits, which means I can branch out a bit with a minor - or maybe even two if I get really ambitious. (Or better yet - I could just graduate before my kids do...)
I've also found a minor to go along with it - Anthropology offers some interesting classes that delve into fun things like mythology, cultures, and even some archeology (Now that's fun! ^.^).
But what would I do with a bachelor's in History once I'm out in the real world? Hm... Perhaps nothing. But it's a great stepping block up to a master's in Library Sciences. I really can't imagine a job that could make me happier than reading books for a living, so if I did have to choose one thing to be my dream job, I guess 'librarian' wins. ^_________^()
So that's it. I have a goal. One that won't be such a headache to make a reality. I'm changing my major to History and working toward a minor in Anthropology. I feel very, very good about this decision.
What else makes me happy? I have a list of goals I'd like to accomplish in my lifetime in order to make myself a better person. (I think most of us have such a list.) One of the vaguer goals on that list is to overcome my dislike for something I have an aversion to. I've thought of the perfect something. It's actually something I enjoyed as a kid, but it was unfortunately spoiled for me by sour teachers in my teenage years. Science. This is a shocker for some of you, I know. However, it's not all-encompassing. I doubt any miracle on this green planet could convince me to enjoy that demonic subject known as biology. But I can recall a time (before high school bio) when I was at the very top of my science class. Mrs. Waggy was my all-time favorite teacher. (Guess which subject she taught.) She had to ask me to stop participating in class because I was making my classmates lazy. Her classes consisted mainly of things like dinosaurs, volcanoes, plate tectonics, rocks - geology. I loved it. I'd forgotten that there were branches of science other than biology, and I'm afraid I've learned to shy away from anything labeled 'SCIENCE' with a disgusted disposition because of that one bad egg. And now I have every intention of fixing that. I'm so excited to be able to take classes again! I've got this all-new zeal for learning, and I'm itching to make it happen!
I'm also happy because I've been developing some new skills.
1- I've baked two (soon to be three) cakes in the last month, and have been absolutely satisfied with the end results - no easy task for an artistic perfectionist-type with the world's greatest cake decorator for a grandmother to set the standard.
2- Two or three months ago, I started playing Ultimate Frisbee once a week with some friends in my ward. I went because those friends pressured me into it. Not because I really wanted to be there. And it showed. I lacked sufficient confidence to do anything but freak out and cry for help as I dropped any projectile that flew in my direction.
But now... I CAN CATCH THE THING! And not just when the passes are easy. The fear's totally gone. Tonight, I played so well that I can honestly consider myself one of the better players we had on the field. I'm enjoying it, and I feel valuable to the people I'm playing with. It's one heckuva confidence booster. ^__________^ I'm being useful at the same time that I'm getting more physically fit!
I am happy because of the honesty one receives and shares with their real friends.
And why else am I happy? Because I've made up my mind to be.
I've been more than a little self-critical lately. I've made a bad habit of brushing off compliments from others with self-directed insults. While I was talking to my baby sister Keira on the phone yesterday, I got blind-sided with a compliment I couldn't just ignore, though. I'm not even sure why she said it; I can't remember what came before it. She just said very simply, "You're so pretty. You're prettier than me." And it absolutely floored me. This beautiful, perfect little cherub-child with those big blue eyes, dimples, and gorgeous golden curls that are nearly as long as she is tall thinks -I'm- prettier than -she- is? After she said it, I tried to deny it, but I couldn't. How can you argue over something like that with a 4-year-old? You can't because you can't teach her how to look down on herself, and she learns everything by example. And she can't lie about something like that. She's too young to think of sparing someone's feelings with sugar-coated half-truths. She tells it exactly the way she sees it.
So I've decided that I can't continue to criticize myself as I have. I can't think negatively about my appearance or weight or any of that. I've decided that it's time I start taking those compliments to heart and looking for the good things other people seem to see when they look at me.
I have a lot of reasons to be grateful right now. And I can't think of one good reason not to be because I don't want to. I'm happy and I'm choosing to stay that way.
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Quote - "To wish you were somebody else is to waste the person you are," Unknown
Music - "The Curse" and "The Melody Within," Rigoletto
Mood - Happy
