My Will Is As Strong As Yours (even if nothing else is)

Sooooo.... Before I get on with the rest of this post, I want to make sure it is understood that I do not believe that violence is ever the best way to solve a problem. (I do, however, acknowledge that sometimes it is the only way.) Also, the only place that it has amongst family and friends is in the form of play fighting. Never in real conflict or punishment.

That having been said now, I used to enjoy play fighting as a kid. I got into it just as much as my brothers and cousins did. It's been years now since I've done so. Even though I still like to talk tough, it's purely out of amusement because it's just that - talk. I know full well that I could never make good on the threats I spout off at my guy friends because it absolutely goes against my nature. I hate hurting people. I really am too afraid of hurting someone unintentionally to even try (beyond swatting half-heartedly at a boy when teased). I have fairly good reason for it - I'm a klutz. I have on occasion hurt people without meaning to.

Last night, Nam-Allirog and I started horsing around over a bracelet he stole from me. As ever, I was fairly cautious about my display of tankish force, since I had no real desire to hurt him and just wanted my bracelet back. Within a few minutes, he started turning it into a sparring match - the boy loves sparring and will take on any opportunity to do so. I decided it wouldn't hurt to play along for a bit.
After a few minutes I determined that he was enjoying himself way too much for my pride's sake, so I started trying a little harder to make contact when I swung. After about fifteen minutes of this, I realized that even when I did land a hit, he didn't even feel it. No matter how hard I connected, it didn't phase him at all. I -couldn't- hurt him. So I finally just let go of every reservation I had and really started trying to deck him. I punched and kicked and even tried biting once (I really do fight like I did as a kid.) I fought with everything I had, and it was annoyingly obvious that it didn't make one bit of difference. I could hardly hit him, and even when I did, I seemed to hurt my own hands more than I did him. To make it worse, he was going so stinking easy on me - stopping every time I tripped or he hit harder than he'd intended so I could recover, and he fought one-handed (with his non-dominant hand) the entire time to boot.
Within a half-hour, my hands and arms were really smarting and I was wearing myself out, so I stopped trying to hit so much and just played defense. He and I both knew I couldn't keep up much anymore, and he kept trying to convince me to try bargaining with him instead of bruising myself up further. I've got one heck of a stubborn streak, though, and it was in full force by then. More than an hour after the sparring began, I kept insisting that he was just trying to talk his way out because he was about to break, and it would be silly for me to surrender when I was obviously winning.

Our audience through it all had been Sir Tim. Roughly an hour and 20 minutes after it all started, he decided that it was time to break things up. Of course, the fact that my arms were too stiff and sore for me to do anything but try to block and dodge wasn't about to convince me to surrender, so the behemoth picked me up as easy as you please (never mind my flailing and fighting against him too), slung me over his shoulder, and toted me back home. >.<

It was all in good fun, and we all enjoyed it. It's not something I'd be anxious to do often, as I -am- a little bit bruised up now. Nevertheless it was fun to be a rough 'n rowdy tomboy again.

But the big deal about it is - it's made me very keenly aware of just how defenseless I am. If I'd ever find myself in a situation where I'd really have to fight to defend myself, I'd be so powerless it'd be laughable... in a very not-funny kind of way...

I go on a lot of late-night walks. It's a habit I've enjoyed for years - it allows my body to do something automatic so that I'm mentally relaxed. It gives me time away from other people to talk aloud and sort out the things in my head or vent. I never think twice about walking myself to a store or the library or a friend's house after dark, and have always shrugged off the idea of using the 'safe walk' system. I don't like bothering people unnecessarily.
No one's ever really bothered me. (The one recent time I can remember a couple of guys making me nervous, I was hiking with a nice big walking stick, so they kept their distance.) I've just always assumed that if the need ever arose, I'd be able to manage on my own.
I'm now realizing that that may be a very stupid assumption for me to make. Maybe I should start considering alternative meditation methods. Or else find my own Mr. Miyagi to teach me how to wax on and wax off...


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Quote - "There are only two forces in the world: the sword and the spirit. In the long run, the sword will always be conquered by the spirit." ~~ Napoleon Bonaparte
Music - "She Walked Away," Barlow Girl
Mood - Getting Things Done