I have a lot of time during work to just turn ideas over in my head and examine them from new angles. Tedious manual labor's good for that.
One of the many such subjects for my attention in the past days has been examining the changes that have occurred gradually in my own way of addressing the world. I'm finding that I've become a much more tame creature. Don't get me wrong - I don't think I'll ever find a word that better defines me than "spastic." Unless it's "spaz-tastic." But even so, I'm hardly the wild heathen-child that looks so much like a younger, blonder version of myself.
Where did that little tomboy who would deliberately play with spiders just to prove she wasn't afraid of them - while she was secretly terrified - go? She was afraid of a lot of things, like heights and bugs and pain, but she was good at muscling through that, so her friends thought she was braver. She hated the idea of anyone seeing her cry over anything. She was so stubborn and temperamental to a fault. And competitive - ho, boy was she competitive. She'd kick any boy who annoyed her in the shins and was so determined to prove that girls were better than boys in every way. It wouldn't be hard at all to imagine her growing up into one of those hardcore 'how-dare-you-open-that-door-for-me-you-chauvinistic-swine' type feminists. Heck, she even wanted to be the first female president (until she decided that too many people wanted to shoot presidents, that is).
In her place, I've found someone who skirts around the edges of gatherings in crowded rooms because she doesn't want to get in the way. Sometimes she'd prefer to participate more, but she got tired of making herself a spectacle a long time ago, so she lets the opportunity slide by.
She finally fessed up and gave into the urge to squeal and retreat from creepy things with too many legs. She's still interested in a lot of exciting things, but she's no longer bold enough to brush aside the nerves for the sake of the adventure. ...Maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if she started toughening up again. I miss those adventures. ...I mean, she misses them.
They're not all bad changes, though. She's a lot easier to get along with now that she doesn't kick people in the shins. And she's learned that men and women aren't competing for superiority. That's a big one. She no longer wants to think of women as smarter, more competent, or any of that. She's learned to love men. Height, strength, hairy arms, crooked smiles, emotion tempered by logic. She loves it all. And appreciates the differences. She realizes that they compliment her own gender's traits quite nicely. And they make for a well-balanced team rather than opponents.
She also appreciates the ways that men acknowledge their differences. The door-opening. The compliments. Carrying heavy things, and all the rest. She shies away from them a little bit because they're just a little bit foreign to her. She doesn't expect them to come, but she's pleasantly surprised, and definitely appreciative when they do - whether she's good at expressing her gratitude or not. That's just because she's not quite used to it yet. Give her time. She's a work in progress.
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Now veering off in another direction, thought not entirely irrelevant. There's one set of gender traits that I think deserve a little attention apart from the rest. Emotions.
I don't care if it sounds stereotypical or simplistic. And to those women out there who differ from this significantly or who take offense: I do acknowledge that this is a generalization. (Forgive me, Cathryn.) But it's my observation. My experience. And we are all limited by our own experiences and perceptions, I'm afraid. Having made my pseudo-disclaimer, then: Women. Are. Emotional. (That was profound, yes?) I'm one of them. I should know. I may have been a confused little tomboy for many a year, but boyish facades don't really change the software. And it's one heck of a roller coaster ride just trying to keep up with your own moods, let alone controlling the ride.
This is where the other half steps in. I used the phrase 'emotion tempered by logic' before to describe the male half's more appealing traits, and with good reason. Not all men -do- control their emotions well. A great many of them do not. The real shame is that so many women interpret fits of anger or possession as shows of power or strength. This is a disastrous move because such tantrums are anything but. It's probably the best sign you could get that this is a man lacking in self control - real strength. It's not that it's better for a man to be cold or insensitive, but a man's ability to win over feeling with thought is such a necessity for a healthy relationship.
NO RELATIONSHIP NEEDS TWO WOMEN. I can't say it any better than that.
I've dated emotional basket cases. Guys with temper flares and insecurity issues and depression. I've tried being the comforter and supporter. Overly emotional, needy guys drive women to depression. Trying to control someone else's roller coaster while your own is doing its best to buck you out of the car tends to end in bloody crashes. Then you die. And cry. Because, as we've already established, there's all this excess of emotion just waiting to flood over.
This sounds a little bit like a scapegoat for women to pass off their emotional hang-ups as a man's responsibility. But that's really not it at all. Women are just as accountable for their emotions and actions as men. Still, the sexes are meant to be different. When both sides of the equation are healthy on their own, and are comfortable with their own strengths and shortcomings, the marriage of reason and feeling do tend toward equilibrium.
May more men out there rise to the call to be the best, manliest men, so that women don't have to. We're all a lot better off when we're our best selves, rather than splitting our time between meeting our own needs and compensating for someone else's.
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Quote- "When I die, I want to go peacefully, like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car."
Music- "Crash and Burn," Savage Garden
Mood- dead tired
Gas Station Friends
2 years ago
3 comments:
Naturally, I'm tempted to say that people in general are too emotional and need to toughen up. But I'm sure you already know my view on emotions. I tried being emotional for a while, after meeting Katy. I've recently come to realize that I don't like it. At all. Emotions are draining and distracting, both to you and the people who have to listen to you cry at them. Moping about, dwelling on things, crying hysterically, and so on, does nothing but waste time, warp your vision (metaphorically speaking, of course... it's the tears that warp your vision literally speaking), and frustrate the people around you. It's bad enough that most women can't control their emotions without men acting the same way.
Maybe it's God's way of showing people that husbands and wives should be different. Where one is weak, the other is strong, where the first strong, the other is weak. But that's if you want to try and look at it religiously, which I currently don't.
I agree. I think you need to learn to control your temper before you try to have a meaningful relationship with another person. It isn't fair to them to put up with two year old temper tantrums.
So before you choose that special person, give him the test. See how he acts when you fight. See how he acts when you flirt or do something with another guy. See how he treats his family, especially his mother. And see how he treats his money.
But wouldn't you risk losing him if you flirt with another guy? If I were seriously dating a guy and one day I caught him flirting with some other girl, I would be hurt, and the excuse "I was just testing you" would sound really lame to me. In fact, I would probably lose my trust in him and push him away, figuring I didn't want him if a) he couldn't be faithful, and b) he felt he had to lie by pretending he was "just testing" me.
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